It's 5 in the morning and I can't sleep. This happened last night, too. I already cleaned my apartment so now I have nothing to do. My mind won't shut up.
I'm leery of getting too personal on this blog. There are too many stories of professional suicide and blogging being the culprit. Not that I have anything to say anyway. My job is ... fine. My apartment is ... fine. My life is generally OK.
Ugh.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Stir crazy
Every once in a while I get in this rut, this low point, this frustrating doldrums where I want something to change. I feel like if I do the same old routine one more time, I'm going to lose my tenuous grip on reality.
I end up fighting with myself about it, too. There are plenty of normal, mundane things I've neglected to do or outside-my-circle adventures I've either postponed or suspended.
I had an itch a few months ago to create some paintings I was going to use in my rather bare apartment. I had great ideas that I wanted to put on the canvas. I got through one painting. There should have been at least two, but I haven't made a single move of brush to canvas to create that second one. The supplies and the painting are in the closet.
And I don't know how to hang on to that crazy tangent moment. I go off and start something that makes me happy, then work and daily living get in the way ... and it ends up shoved into a corner somewhere until I finally take it out again or dispose of it. It's a blip on the radar that inexplicably and sometimes irretrievably disappears.
I'm frustrated by lack of follow-through, yet I don't know how to keep the circle from absorbing the tangent. Maybe I'm stretching to make that analogy a running theme, but it really feels like these lightning moments in which I actually produce something original get stifled by the typical me. There's no time for cultivation save for these random outbursts.
That goes for so much more than just how I spend my time. I do it in social interactions, too. The real me strikes without warning and then gets put back in her cage of propriety and insecurity once I see the reaction on people's faces. I must seem so manic.
I can play it safe only so long until the vitriol starts to stir up. Then I scare myself and retreat for a while. I'll stay calm and content for a time until the comfortable becomes banal. I break out for a while until I feel too unstable. Then I duck back into safe mode. I don't know what my problem is.
It's probably just angst.
I end up fighting with myself about it, too. There are plenty of normal, mundane things I've neglected to do or outside-my-circle adventures I've either postponed or suspended.
I had an itch a few months ago to create some paintings I was going to use in my rather bare apartment. I had great ideas that I wanted to put on the canvas. I got through one painting. There should have been at least two, but I haven't made a single move of brush to canvas to create that second one. The supplies and the painting are in the closet.
And I don't know how to hang on to that crazy tangent moment. I go off and start something that makes me happy, then work and daily living get in the way ... and it ends up shoved into a corner somewhere until I finally take it out again or dispose of it. It's a blip on the radar that inexplicably and sometimes irretrievably disappears.
I'm frustrated by lack of follow-through, yet I don't know how to keep the circle from absorbing the tangent. Maybe I'm stretching to make that analogy a running theme, but it really feels like these lightning moments in which I actually produce something original get stifled by the typical me. There's no time for cultivation save for these random outbursts.
That goes for so much more than just how I spend my time. I do it in social interactions, too. The real me strikes without warning and then gets put back in her cage of propriety and insecurity once I see the reaction on people's faces. I must seem so manic.
I can play it safe only so long until the vitriol starts to stir up. Then I scare myself and retreat for a while. I'll stay calm and content for a time until the comfortable becomes banal. I break out for a while until I feel too unstable. Then I duck back into safe mode. I don't know what my problem is.
It's probably just angst.
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