This is certainly an incomplete thought, but ...

I was trolling along through one of my favorite blogs. I'm too chicken to tell you which blog it was, but she's very witty, ballzy as hell and funny. It led me to a blog post by someone of the opposite sex ruminating over part of what the former had said.

I'm still pondering, but they both have me sitting here thinking I understand where they're both coming from, but it seems like neither of them can move past the limitations of their positions.

The first blogger is very candid about her personal life. She talks about just how she'd wipe the stupid grin off some guy's face and make sure he never forgot how badly she handed him his ass. The second blogger was saying he sympathized with wanting to do that, but he edits himself constantly for fear that desire to dominate be misconstrued as something sinister.

Something about the whole thing is bothering me and I can't put my finger on it.

These two people who seem to be travelling completely different paths and philosophies of life are essentially stuck on the same problem from opposing sides. The woman senses she can't actually do the very thing she wants to do. She'd have to go through too much trouble and manipulation to set it all up. She can't be that dishonest to finally reveal the truth in the end.

The man seems convinced being too real and being too much what he wants to be is offensive. He can't shed the façade that makes everyone else comfortable no matter how much he'd like to challenge and disprove other people's impressions.

And I don't believe either of them.

I've read through blogs where the woman pretended to be something other than the vixen she is and I'm quite confident the man has misjudged his inner strength. Maybe I judge them too harshly, but it seems highly probable that both are operating under skewed self-perceptions.

I have a theory that every time a person tries to honestly evaluate themselves on a psychological level, it's wrong and they're not being honest at all. People don't want to look at the real motivators. People believe they're generally good, right? Why would they ruin that ability to cope with everyday life by being honest about who they are deep down inside?

This woman could be as maniacally conniving as she wanted and she'd have every guy within a 50 mile radius under her thumb inside of 2 weeks. She would love it and she'd probably hold onto the position of authority for quite a while, but she's telling herself "no, that's not me."

This man more than likely simply wishes he had the guts to seize some control, some power. He wants it and he thinks he could have it all. He's telling himself "that's me, but I can't show anyone."

What's worse is I can sympathize with both. There are myriad instances where I've wanted to lash out and show people that I'm not going to be pushed around. In fact, I'm going to kick ass and take names. I end up checking myself saying "no, you don't charge in with both barrels blazing. You're too worried about the consequences." And I am. There are other times that I think "if he wasn't married I would do so many things to him ..." No I wouldn't. Who am I kidding?

What are these? These warped perceptions that plague us from both sides. Are we who we really think we are? Are we at this point on the cycle or this one? Are the proud among us fooling themselves? Are the humble being too harsh in judging their own actions?

I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to define this person that is me ... this person who can despise a character trait and defend it in the next breath.

Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me who I am. Tell people who they are. I don't think we're up to the task.

some-odd things

So, I'm completely ganking theogeo on this list thingy here. She has two lists, the most recent of which is here.

I'm not going to number mine, though. I don't know if I'll make it to 100 or not. I might go past, I'm not sure. Anyway, this is MY blog which means I can make you suffer through all things ME including my vanity. Shuttup and read, damnit. *

• I have a hard time believing people since I think most are too self-absorbed to tell the truth.
• If you chew on pens, I think you're kinda stupid. If you chew on my pen, I lose all respect for you.
• I don't like eating in front of other people.
• I spill stuff on myself.
• I accidentally just deleted two of these I wrote ... and now I can't remember what they said.
• That was stupid of me.
• Without pizza, I would starve through many meals.
• I wash my hands many times a day, but it's not ritualized. I don't count how many times I scrub and I don't have to wash several times in a row.
• It's not OCD, it's germaphobia.
• I'm erratically anal retentive. I will be overwhelmingly fastidious about one thing for a time until it's pushed out by something else.
• I'm a very visual learner. It's bad enough I can't close my eyes and listen to someone talk.
• In a battle of wits, if you win, I love you and want to have a thousand of your babies.
• But I won't ever tell you.
  
• I'm frustrated by my own incongruities.
  
• I like not having a TV.
• I hate not having a desk.
• I bought one yesterday.
• Imitation coconut and imitation cinnamon are two of the most revolting smells to me. I'd rather smell body odor.
• If you put your feet on my pillow or even threaten to, I will exact my revenge.
• Feet belong on the floor just as shoes belong on feet and on the floor.
• I still paint my toenails ... and then wash my hands after.
• I tend to cry when I'm stressed or angry.
• I hate that I tend to be overdramatic, too.
• I don't remember my dreams most of the time - if I even have them - yet I'm part of a dream blog. Hopefully I'll have something to post this year.
• I'm a cheap drunk and mildly proud of that.
• Whenever I have somewhere to be, I'm always early. I have to force myself to be on time.
• I still have days when I'm late, though. It's usually because I became engrossed in something utterly meaningless and embarrassing.
  
• I'm the only person in my family whose handwriting sucks.
• I love cars ... especially if I get to drive them fast.
• Deep down, I still want to go back to school and become a lab rat running tests at a hospital.
• My pizza is almost done, so I'm going to stop and go eat.

MORE!

• I think most people in high school and college thought I was shy, but I was really too vain to wear my glasses. I couldn't see faces clearly enough to recognize them.
• Even now that I have contacts, I still tend to walk with my head down.
• I once got free coffee because the barista thought I looked like I had been having a bad day. I wasn't, I just tend to look mad.
• I was bitten by a copperhead because I picked it up.
• The ending to that story sucks because there was no venom in the bite.
• When I was younger, I had an extensive stamp collection. I wonder if any of it is remotely valuable.
• I don't have a favorite song.
• When I was little, I wore a dress every single day.
• If I couldn't, I wore a tutu.
• Now I almost never wear dresses.
• I once had an argument with my dad about what direction to turn the twist tie that closes the loaf of bread. He said counterclockwise. I said I shouldn't be yelled at for how I turn a twist tie.
• He said years later that I was the one yelling about how to twist the damn thing.
• I made that comment about pizza and now I haven't had pizza in a couple weeks.
• I miss Texas.
• I don't plan to move back for a while, though.
• Several times in my life I've been told I look like someone's cousin Rachel or someone they knew named Rachel. One person even insisted I was some runaway from their hometown.
• Whoever this Rachel chick is ... I sorta hope I'm the evil twin.
• I tend to be fearless only when other people are scared.
  
• I'm afraid to wear flip flops in public not because I don't like feet but because I'm afraid that one day I wear them will turn out to be the one day I need to run for my life.
  

Thanks for reading.


*In some ways, this is a disclaimer to the people who know me in real life. Ha!