Talking gibberish and twitching

I find myself at a loss, again, to figure out what the hell is going on. Most of the time, I feel like I'm either talking to a wall or that I'm a stranger in a strange land who doesn't speak the language.

Half the time, I try to express what's bothering me and it ends up going off the deep end into something I never intended. I attempt to vent some frustration, maybe gain a little clarity through that, but it's always misunderstood. It ends up the receiving end is offended and hurt, destined to take what I said as a very loud "I hate you."

Then there's the other half of the time where what I say has absolutely no effect. I'm not taken seriously at all and people make jokes at my displayed level of irritation. There's the refusal to acknowledge that there's any weight to my arguments or observations.

And I don't get why. Am I prone to too much hyperbole to the point people think I must really hate them if I use such lively words? Is my point lost because I can't offer a solution that's immediately recognizable as a better method?

I'm either on mute or the amp is set to 11.

Someone help me get off this thing because I don't know how. You try to be calm and flexible, able to make changes and go with the flow for the good of the group. Then it ends up coming back to bite you on the ass because everybody wants a chance to stretch the rubber band the direction they want it to go. I snap because they found the breaking point, and the reaction is always the same. I somehow strike a nerve that leaves them feeling hurt and me feeling like a jerk for hitting it.

The conclusion to that being: they're just human and I shouldn't react so strongly to them doing what they think is the right course of action. And I always feel like my "just human" tendencies are shunned. I'm not allowed that argument.

Then you know you reach that point where you're going to blow unless someone gives you a padded cell in which to scream and beat the walls. But venting only gets you so far. No one cares. The more I remind myself of that the more I wish someone did.

In my mind, I keep coming to the phrase "I can understand to some extent that ..." ending in something more or less akin to the philosophy that people are people and they will never be anything but their own self-absorbed, limited selves barely able to comprehend past their own noses. This misanthropic hypocrisy stares back at me in the mirror, I'm well aware.

But I'm so sick of acting like everything should be shoved down and ignored because "people are people are people." If you don't say anything, no one will know, right?

So I say something ... half the time to a wall. The wall neither comprehends nor feels any compunction toward empathy. Conversations with walls end with phrases stating sympathy but not showing it. And there's always that "but" at the end that makes my blood boil. "I know, but what do you want me to do?" "I know it's irritating, but I can't do anything about it." The invalidating "but" that makes any show of understanding before it into nothing more than a defensive tactic to keep the situation from escalating.

Sometimes life feels so very very false.

Don't fret, precious. I'm here.

Sorry to quote Maynard in an APC song, but sometimes I really want to step away from the window into my subconscious and go back to sleep. I don't want to know if there's a deeper meaning to the weird dream I just had. I'm freaked out by my own mind!

It feels like a conflict of interest sometimes to analyze dreams. On the one hand, you want to know what it means to dream of asking people to please let you have one of their Orthotricyclen pills (yes, very weird), but on the other hand, I'd really like to believe that it was simply my brain doing exercises in "how would you handle this fuck-up?" and that it has no deeper significance.

The annoying part about it is that I've started remembering more of my dreams. Most of the time, it's fragments. I don't remember enough to give context. So I end up with these vignettes that don't make any sense.

It's a short post this time, but I really can't shake this shitty dream I had last night. I'd love to pull the covers over my head and dream something else to push that one out. It wasn't a nightmare insomuch as I felt in control of myself, but I really did not like what was happening.

*sigh*